Not Like This, Sam
by YJ-Obsessed
Summary: This is a little one-shot I came up with while watching the fourth season of Supernatural. WARNING: If you haven't yet seen the fourth season, don't read this. Slight spoiler. T because there is talk of suicide and there is blood. Though, I tend to be paranoid...Most likely a one-shot, unless I get reviews asking for a second chap. There is one in mind, just so you know.


**This is a little something I thought of when I watched "I Know What You Did Last Summer." Sam talks to Dean about his time with Ruby while his big brother was in Hell. __****In the flashback portion of the episode, Ruby says that Same going after Lillith would be suicide, that he didn't want to live without Dean anymore. That, coupled with the heavy drinking Sam shows, made me think, 'What if there was more to this story?' So, I came up with a one-shot of Ruby walking in on Sam trying to commit actual suicide.**

~Ruby's POV~

I had gone out to get us some food. Sam was drunk...again. He was doing better with his drinking. He still drank throughout the day, but he didn't let himself get drunk usually. Or maybe he was just becoming a high-functioning alcoholic. Anyway, I went out to grab some take out, leaving Sam to sit in the dark. It had been about two months since Dean's death. Almost a month since the idiot tried to go after Lillith by himself. Luckily, I didn't give up on him, or he and that little girl would have died. I got to the door of our cheap motel room and walked in calling out Sam's name. He didn't answer. I looked around and saw light coming out of the bathroom. "Sam?" I tried again. "I brought Chinese. I figured it'd be nice after all the burgers and pizzas we've had lately."

I heard Sam's bare feet against the tile of the bathroom. "Yeah...sounds great, Ruby." His voice sounded weird.

Setting the bags of food down, I walked over to the bathroom door. "Sam?...You okay?" I asked softly. I could practically hear Sam trying to force a smile on his face, the way he always did when I asked him this question. He liked to shove everything down. He was always trying to be tough. Like Dean had been.

"Uh...Y-yeah...Great. Why wouldn't I be?" Sam's voice cracked as he put forth his question.

I turned around and leaned my back on the dark wood of the barrier between me and my boyfriend. Alright, so we hadn't really put a label on it, but what else would you call us? We fought together, traveled together. When he got down, I was there to keep the raging sea of darkness and soul-crushing depression at bay. We made love. Maybe I was imagining it. It could have been nothing. So why did I see his eyes light up when I came around? Even if it was just the slightest bit. "I'm asking because when I left, you were sitting in a chair, staring despondently at the wall, practically comatose." I replied.

Sam let out this kind of strangled gasp. Like he was trying to keep it silent. "Crap," he whispered.

"Sam? Sam, are you okay?" I was starting to get worried. I knew it came out in my voice, though I tried to hide it. "What are you doing in there?" I stood up and put my hands on the door, like I was trying to reach through and pull him out into the room with me.

He was silent for a minute. "I, uh...Nothing. Thinking?"

"Oh, well since your _so_ sure," I called back sarcasm oozing from the mouth of the comatose girl whose body I was riding. "Seriously, babe. Open the door."

"I don't think so," Sam mumbled. Grabbing the door knob, I tried to rip the door open, but it was locked. I'll admit, I was a little freaked at this point. "Sam? _Sam_! Open the door!" I yelled. There was the slap of skin on tile. "Sam!" I cried. "Screw this," I muttered to myself. I took a step back, and kicked the door in. Sam was lying on the floor, blood seeping out of his forearms. "Oh my gosh. Sam. What did you do?" I whispered as I sunk to the floor.

~Sam's POV~

I leaned against the counter in the bathroom, hands flat on the cheap linoleum, and stared at myself in the mirror. I had lost weight, there were bags under my eyes...I looked like Hell. *You don't know Hell, Sammy,* I thought to myself. Although, it sounded like Dean was talking. Lately, whenever I would think common sense or advice of any kind, it sounded like my big brother. I guess it was my way of dealing. Tricking myself into thinking he was still watching out for me, even though I knew he wasn't. I stared down at the knife laying by my hand. It wasn't the best plan, but it would end it all. And that was really all I wanted. The door to the main part of the motel room creaked open and snapped shut.

"Sam?" Ruby called out. I didn't say anything. I was hoping she would just let me have my solitude for a minute. I should have known her better than that. "Sam? I brought Chinese. I figured it'd be nice after all the burgers and pizzas we've had lately." I could hear the smile in her voice. I knew she was trying to cheer me up. It wasn't as if I had been the funnest person to be around lately. I debated going out to join Ruby. Leave my means of escape for when I was alone. My feet took me half way to the door before I forced myself back to my original position. "Yeah...Sounds great, Ruby." I replied hollowly, knowing that silence would be interpreted as trouble.

Ruby walked to the door. "Sam...You okay?" I chuckled low and bitterly to myself. Was I okay? No. Not really. My brother was dead. I was exercising demons with my mind, going down that dark side psychic road Dean had begged me not to go down. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend was a demon...well, Ruby was sort of my girlfriend. I didn't really know what else to call her. She was there for me, whenever I needed her. Heck, she stayed even when I was in a drunken rage, throwing empty bottles at her. That was when she would just slip in close and hug my waist tightly until I stopped being angry and let out some of my suppressed pain. Only some. Then, it was back to bottling it all up.

I took a shaky breath. "Uh...Y-yeah...Great. Why wouldn't I be?" I winced as my voice cracked. I shook my head and picked up the knife. *Now or never, Sammy,* Dean's voice told me. Was I crazy for hearing my condemned brother's voice in my head? Probably. But I could worry about that later. I bit my lips together and cut a line in my forearm. I was careful not to make a sound. I knew that at any sign of trouble, Ruby would break down the door. I heard Ruby put her weight on the door and slide down.

"I'm asking because when I left, you were sitting in a chair, staring despondently at the wall, and practically comatose," Ruby explained. I sighed. She wasn't wrong. I let myself drink too much. I couldn't help it. If my choices were between dealing with the pain of my brother's death, or drink myself numb and deal with my demon girlfriend's anger later, I would choose the wrath of a female demon. Now, I had a third door to walk through. To just end it all. I switched the knife to my other hand and cut a line in my other arm. This time, I went too deep. I couldn't mask the gasp that escaped my lips.

"Crap," I said.

"Sam? Sam, are you okay?" Ruby sounded calm enough, but I knew that she knew better. "What are you doing in there?" This time, she couldn't hide the anxiety in her voice.

I took a few shaky breaths as I watched the blood drip down my arms and onto the floor. "I, uh...nothing. Thinking?" I couldn't think of anything to say that would get me out of this.

Ruby snorted in disbelief. "Oh, well since you're _so_ sure," She sarcastically commented. "Seriously, babe. Open the door." Ruby added almost tenderly. Almost. She was a demon, after all. She couldn't be _totally_ sweet and caring like other girls would be.

"I don't think so," I mumbled. The bathroom started to spin like a merry-go-round on crack.

I heard the door jiggle. "Sam? _Sam_! Open the door!" Ruby yelled through the wood. I looked at the door and honestly considered letting her in. My body had other ideas. My legs gave out and I hit the floor like a ton of bricks. "Sam!" Ruby screamed. She slapped the door in frustration. Then, the door was kicked in. I saw a petite girl standing in the doorway, with long, flowing dark brown hair. Her lips were full and-at the moment-were forming a small "O." I saw her warm brown eyes widen in horror. "Oh my gosh. Sam, what did you do?" Ruby asked in shock. She sat down next to me and grabbed a towel off the counter. She pressed the towel into my arms, trying to stop the bleeding.

My mind went blissfully numb. "It's okay, Ruby. It's okay."

Ruby's eyes filled with tears...or maybe I imagine that. I didn't imagine the mixture of anger, shock and sadness in Ruby's eyes. "No, Sam. It isn't." Her voice broke a little. She pulled me up and sat me so my back was supported by the side of the tub. Moving the towel out of the way, Ruby held up my arms in front of my face. "Do you see this, Sam? Do you? This is blood. _Your_ blood. You didn't get these from fighting some demon, or a ghost. No. You did this to yourself."

"So?" I asked.

Ruby's jaw dropped. "Come again."

I shrugged. "Who cares, Ruby?"

"Who car-?" Ruby started angrily.

"I'm the reason Dean is dead, Ruby. It's my fault. I wasn't strong enough to save him. And it hurts too much, being alone. Because that's what I am, Ruby. I'm alone."

Ruby shook her head. "No. You're not. I'm here. Right here. And I know that it hurts. I know you feel like someone ripped a hole in your chest and that it just seems to get bigger and darker all the time. You have to deal with it, though. You can't just keep boozing up and shoving it all under the surface."

I raised my arms for the demon to see. "I _am_ dealing with it Ruby. See?" She shook her head.

"Not like this, Sam. You can't deal with it like this. Do you really think that Dean sold his soul to save you just so you could off yourself when he was gone?" Ruby asked in a scathing tone. *Okay. Worrying gone, anger here.* I thought to myself.

"You don't know what D-"

"Well I know he wouldn't have wanted this," Ruby yelled over me. I looked down at the blood. My blood. Suddenly, I saw the shear idiocy in my plan. After years of hunting demons, ghosts, and vampires, and so much more, I was going to die from slitting my own wrists? Seriously?

I let out a dark chuckle. "What is wrong with me, Ruby?" I asked rhetorically. We both knew what was wrong with me. Ruby leaned forward and kissed my lips lightly.

"I'll get the first aid kit. You, stay put." Ruby left without waiting for my reply. She knew I knew better than to disagree with her right now. She walked back in and opened up the box. Ruby pulled out the alcohol, bandages and thread and needle and set to work. As the needle started tugging through my skin I winced. Ruby glared up at me, her eyes black like they always were when she was angry. "Well, you remember this the next time you think of being an idiot."

"Yes ma'am," I teased. Ruby quirked an eyebrow and tugged the needle roughly. "Ow!"

Ruby smiled sweetly, eyes still black, "Oh, _so_ sorry." I nodded, understanding the message. Do not tease the one in control of the needle sewing you up. The ebony melted away, leaving the chocolate pools shining through. We were both silent for a while. Ruby was the one to break the silence. "So...Are you going to tell me why?"

I sighed. "Why what, Ruby?"

"Why you did something so stupid," she responded simply.

My eyelids scrunched shut and I breathed deeply. How do you explain something so...insane and irrational to someone? How do you make them see that even though you know it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem, you still feel like you have to do it? "I...I don't know what you want me to say."

"The truth would be nice, Winchester," Ruby said lightly as she tied off the stitches on my left arm and started on my right. My eyes stayed shut so I wouldn't have to see the needle going in and out or the disapproving looks of my girlfriend.

"Ruby...It's...complicated." I didn't want to admit to her how weak I was.

I felt warm breath caressing the side of my face as Ruby leaned in. "Un-complicate it," the demon whispered.

The corners of my lips tugged up in a reluctant smile. I opened my eyes and saw that Ruby's face was a lot closer to mine than I had thought. This made me pull back slightly in shock. "I just...I just wanted it to stop."

"What?" Ruby asked, as she tried to understand what was going on in my head.

~Ruby's POV~

I pulled the needle through Sam's arm as I sewed the cut he stupidly made. Neither one of us said anything, and neither one of us seemed to know what to say. Finally, I had to ask. I couldn't be silent any longer. "So...Are you going to tell me why?" I asked.

Sam sighed heavily. "Why what, Ruby?" I rolled my eyes.

"Why you did something this incredibly stupid." Sam shut his eyes tightly and he breathed deeply. In and out, in and out, like he did when he was trying to focus or relax. I could tell from the slight furrow of his brow that he was trying to organize his thoughts. Attempting to quiet the storm that seemed to always be raging inside of him.

"I...I don't know what you want me to say," Sam finally told me in a soft voice.

I snorted derisively. "The truth would be nice, Winchester." I started sewing his left right arm, having finished his right. His eyes stayed shut and I knew he was avoiding seeing what was going on around him. Another one of his coping mechanisms. If he didn't see it, he could pretend it wasn't there.

"Ruby," Sam breathed tiredly. "It's...it's complicated." I sat forward and put my mouth by his cheek, just sitting there and letting my breath wash over him. He shivered slightly.

"Then un-complicate it," I whispered tenderly to him. I pulled back a little so I could see his face. I saw the corners of his mouth twitch as he tried to smile. It seemed to be harder and harder for him. Sam opened his eyes and jumped a little when he saw how close I still was.

"I just...just wanted it to stop," Sam answered in a voice that sounded ancient. I blinked.

"What?"

Sam shrugged. "Everything. It's too much. Losing Dean. This new freaky psychic power...this," Sam added quietly as he gestured at the space-or lack there of-between us. "Not that I don't enjoy it," Sam added quickly. I smiled gently and nodded. I often knew what he meant without him having to clarify. This was one of those moments. "It's just that...I don't know...I guess I don't really know who I am anymore?" Sam finished in a question. "I feel like I'm slipping away and sinking deeper and deeper in th-this gaping hole inside of me. And I don't know how to climb out. Or if I even deserve to." Sam looked at the new stitches in his arms.

I eyed Sam sadly. "Sam, look at me," I begged. "Hey. Look at me." I grabbed his face in my hands, forcing him to meet my eyes. "I know. I know that it all seems like too much, too fast. It'll get better." Sam barked out a laugh. I frowned. "I will."

"Right...And Dean's going to come back from Hell." Sam retorted with thick sarcasm.

I bit the inside of my cheek. "I didn't say that it's going to be better right now. You probably won't feel better for a long time. But eventually you will start to get over it. And that hole? That pit that you feel in your chest? Someday it's going to close up. But it's going to keep getting deeper and keep pulling you down farther and farther if you don't deal with how you feel. That's how you climb out. Admit that you aren't okay. Keep going."

Sam refused to look at me as tears started to pool up in his eyes. I figured Dean was the one that used to talk to Sam like this. I knew that John Winchester sure never did. I could tell that talking about it was the last thing he wanted to do. "Sam. You're not okay. But you deserve to be. You just have to talk."

He blinked and the tears fell down his cheeks. "I miss him." Sam admitted.

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I know."

Sam buried his face in my neck. "It hurts, Ruby."

"I know that too." I replied softly. I shut my eyes, half enjoying the moment, half screaming at myself to not say what I was thinking and ruining it. I didn't listen to myself. "Sam...there's a way...for it to not hurt." I said uncertainly. I wasn't sure if this was the right time to make offer.

Sam pulled back. "What do you mean?" He asked. *Too late now.* I told myself.

"You aren't going to like it," I warned.

"I don't care. Will it make this stop?" Sam inquired as he pointed to the cuts on his arms. I nodded my head slowly yes. "Then tell me what I have to do."

*Well, if he wants it,* I trailed off in my mind. I shrugged out of my jacket, then turned around and picked the knife up off the floor. Facing Sam again, I held the knife to my arm.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked with worry.

I shrugged. "I told you you won't like it." I answered. I made a cut on my wrist. Not deep enough to scar, but deep enough that blood started to ooze out of the incision. Holding it up to his face, I said to Sam, "Drink."

"What?" Sam asked incredulously.

"You said you didn't care what it was. This is it. Drink the blood of a demon. It'll make you stronger. It'll make the pain go away." I explained. Sam looked at my wrist. Then up at my face. Then back at my wrist. He slowly raised his hands up and grabbed my arms on either side of the cut, the blood starting to drip to the floor.

He made a face of disgust. "Ruby...Are you sure-"

"It's okay, Sam. It's okay." I soothed, running my free hand through his shaggy brown hair. Sam closed his eyes and pressed his lips to the cut. Slowly, hesitantly, he started to suck on the blood that was pooling in his mouth. I smiled sadly as he groaned in pleasure. I knew that this was going to help Sam, in more ways than one, I also knew that he would become addicted to it. If he drank demon blood long enough, I wouldn't be able to leave him alone for long. Not that I did that anyway. Eventually, Sam pulled away and he had this conflicted look on his face. "What is it?"

Sam shook his head. "I...Everything in me-all the years of being a hunter, and being around hunters-is telling me that this is so, _so_ wrong."

"And the other part of you?" I asked unsure of his response.

Sam smiled, his teeth stained from my blood. "Doesn't care." Sam gathered me in his strong arms and kissed me long and good. Sam was happy. I was happy. I hoped that nothing ever stopped this. If only I had known what would happen in the next few months.

_**Alright...This is my first Supernatural fan fiction. Like it? Hate it? Tell me how you think I can do better. Criticism appreciated, provided it's constructive. Sorry if you think I strayed from the characters personalities. I did the best I could. **_


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